"This is not going to go the way you think!"

Luke Skywalker: "Breathe. Just breathe. Now reach out. What do you see?"
When I was five my worldview changed dramatically (just as any five year old's life can change in response to a dramatic event). I saw Star Wars for the first of many times... Now, I was raised Episcopalian; I believed in God; I went to Sunday school; later, I recall, I would walk to school (downhill, both ways, by the way) and have debates in my head about whether I was a good person or not, chiding myself that my "good" behaviors were only done to try to impress an all-seeing deity, not because I was inherently "good"; I had irreverent thoughts that I was uniquely special, at times "chosen"; and I had a solid belief that there were things unseen that could be real...

Rey: "Light. Darkness. A balance."
So when I was five I saw Star Wars. I was not alone in how it affected me. There is an entire subset of people my age who know their childhood timeline by the experiences of each successive Star Wars release, and the revelations that each held for us. [1977: There is a Force; 1980: Evil has a way of messing with your mind, you need friends to get through the dark times; 1983: The Dark Side is powerful, but good prevails, and there is redemption for all of us.] And back then there was no straight-to-VCR a few months after a film's release in order to capitalize on revenues (we waited five years for Episode IV to be released, and yes, I watched it a gazillion times after that)...

Rey: "I need someone to show me my place in all of this."
I have a strong memory of trying to use the force on small objects in my back yard soon after the film came out. My best friend and I decided we would have the best chance of success if we worked together, because, perhaps we only had a little force—being so removed from the galaxy that was so long ago and so far away from our time and space. And yet, we believed wholeheartedly that it was real. It, the Force. It played into a deist model of the universe that suggested "everything you see might not be as it seems" and thus "anything you think can be reality." I mean, the space between particles that make up atoms is far more vast than the space those particles take up; why couldn't one simple pass through a wall, allowing the molecules of our "selves" to shuffle right by the molecules of the wall,  if we just believed hard enough? We had been taught that Tinker Bell's life could be restored with collective clapping; why couldn't the "real" science of mind over matter, that Buddhist concept of iddci, "psychic powers", not be real?

Luke Skywalker: "It's so much bigger."
And so we tried to move small objects. And when one moved ever so slightly (perhaps it was a pencil placed on end on top of an old stump that toppled over), I was crazy with the possibilities, the implications, the revelation!; my friend Jonathan pointed out that there had been a slight breeze. I never stopped believing (I am not sure he did either.)...

A short digression through high school:
Jonathan and I edited the school literary magazine together our senior year. He is an amazing doer, and ever so smart. The school literary magazine had become defunct, and I had been in line to be the editor. We petitioned the administration to restore the budget and give us a tiny office on the third floor of the school (having been kicked out of the much nicer and larger, second floor, shared office with the school newspaper). We revived the dead literary magazine that had been Vantage, renaming it Paragon (Jonathan's choice, or maybe Allen's), and created a supplementary "zine" called Advantage. Those were the days of wax galleys and typesetting (after sending ascii text files to the typesetter on 3.5 floppy disks via horse-riding curriers). Allen and Jonathan did much of the heavy lifting in our first issue, and so Jonathan—then assistant editor—became my co-editor in chief (and Allen was promoted to associate editor) for our second and final issue. Allen was another one of us. We were artsy, punky, sci-fi-geeky types leading a staff that was much similar. I think we liked to see ourselves as the dreamers and creators who were slightly off the main path of our reasonably straight-laced prep school. I can't say for sure that is how my staff thought, but I know I did, for sure. The piece I placed on the inside of the back cover (editor's prerogative) of our last work together was the following:

(1)

what can i do to make you see

that anything you think can be reality?

And so, despite being the doubter and skeptic I know I am, I continued deep down... to believe...

Luke Skywalker: "I only know one truth: It's time for the Jedi... to end."
George Lucas' prequels (Episodes I, II, & III) make me feel violent. I will not dwell on how he took a simple story about deep truths and morphed it into a CGI effect-driven complicated piece of terrible acting, derivatively offensive species, and weak motivation. Episodes IV though VI will remain core to my identity, and I can choose to leave Episodes I, II, & III behind...

And then in 2012 Disney bought Lucasfilm for 4 billion dollars and rumors of new Star Wars movies began to circulate. I foolishly and pre-judgingly asserted that I would never watch a Disney-made Star Wars movie. And then Episode VII's trailer came out and I was in love once again. My goodness, it made me so excited at an acute time in my life when I was struggling to find hope. I was clearly thirsty for joy.. and so, I take it all back, the horrible promises to boycott Disney's control of my childhood franchise...

My father took me to see the film on a very emotionally dark Christmas (for me). I was excited, but preoccupied with my own "reality". And the opening notes played, and the scrolling text arrived, and I bounced in my seat quietly clapping my hands with a smile as wide as any young child's filled with pure joy. I left my troubles behind for two hours while I found my five year old self once again. And now two years later, I have found much more joy, I have hope in my heart, a balance has been restored to my worldview and Episode VIII is ready...

I cannot wait for Christmas to arrive fast enough...