Tales from outer turnip head...

Tales from outer turnip head...

Sunday, September 18, 2016

To live...

At the suggestion of a friend who knew I loved The Seven Samurai by Kurosawa I recently watched Ikiru.
Ikiru (生きる?, "To Live") is a 1952 Japanese film directed and co-written by Akira Kurosawa. The film examines the struggles of a minor Tokyo bureaucrat and his final quest for meaning. The script was partly inspired by Leo Tolstoy's 1886 novella The Death of Ivan Ilyich, although the plots are not similar beyond the common theme of a bureaucrat struggling with a terminal illness.[1] It stars Takashi Shimura as Kanji Watanabe.  
The film has a 100% positive rating based on 30 reviews from critics at the review aggregator website Rotten Tomatoes.[2]
Ikiru ranks 459th on Empire magazine's 2008 list of the 500 greatest movies of all time.[3] Ranked #44 in Empire magazines "The 100 Best Films Of World Cinema" in 2010.[4] 
Roger Ebert included it in his Great Movies reviews in 1996, saying: "Over the years I have seen Ikiru every five years or so, and each time it has moved me, and made me think. And the older I get, the less Watanabe seems like a pathetic old man, and the more he seems like every one of us."[5] In his Great Movies review of Seven Samurai Ebert called it Kurosawa's greatest film.[6][7] --Wikipedia
I would like (but will choose to fail) to downplay the effect the film had on me, as too strong a review will only hurt other's chance of loving it as I did, but I was delighted by my experience of this film and overwhelmed (in a positive way) by its message...

"The best way to protect your place in this world is to do nothing at all":

What a sad place to start a story. A seemingly peaceful man, Kanji Watanabe, has maintained a boring and patterned life that is by some measure successful. But it is clear there is nothing dynamic nor alive in his existence. He goes to work each day and does the same thing he's done for years, nothing, and in his meek way this this is a good thing.

I am reminded of what Edmund Burke the 18th c. political philosopher said, that "the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." I am certain that doing nothing in the face of evil is a crime, but what is it when good men do nothing in the face of living? Is it also a crime? Is idleness the devil's workshop? Or is doing nothing in the face of living just sad? (It is not lost on me that doing "nothing" purposefully can lead to insight and enlightenment as well.) I am not completely sure, but I am starting to realize how terrible it is to not at least try to live each day, to search for the light and turn ourselves to face it, to strive to grow though forward movement and doing!

"What would you do if you had only six months left to live, like him?":

And a sad story of a man who does nothing quickly gets more sad. Watanabe is shuffling through life—widowed and distant from his son—when he discovers from a doctor's visit that stomach cancer will soon take his life.  

My father and I have had a discussion more than once about foreknowledge of death. He asks, "If the time and date of your death were stamped on your heal, would you look?" I have asserted always that I would. I am not sure of his answer, but suspect his interest lies more in how that choice is made, the effect of knowing the stamp is there more than the information itself. For me, not knowing something is a burning itch I struggle to not scratch. I value truth more than illusion, even if that truth is painful. I suspect knowing when my death would arrive would temporarily cripple me, but perhaps (I hope) would galvanize me to live more fully. Do we not get a second wind at the end of a race when we know where the finish line is?

"Because misfortune teaches us the truth.":

Watanabe meets a writer, full of profound ideas and intensity, and the two of them proceed to live wildly in a stumbling trip through Tokyo's nightclubs filled with women, drink, and song. It is a smokey and pleasurable adventure, although not sustainable.


When I was a junior in high school I visited five colleges on a midwest tour with my father. Notre Dame: too big. Dennison: too Greek. Wooster (my mom's college): too nice. Oberlin (my first choice): too "left". And Kenyon (my dad's college): just right! Everything from the feel of the campus, the visual aesthetic, and even the interview process (Oberlin's interview went so poorly I am convinced that had I applied, I would not make it onto even the large pile) fit like a glove...

"We only realize how beautiful life is when we chance upon death.": 

The interview question at Kenyon was "If you found out the world was going to end in a few days what would you do?" What a fun question! I was a little tired of trying to put on a likable face by that part of our college trip and felt comfortable enough in the Kenyon setting, that I just relaxed conversationally and answered honestly. [There is a lesson there perhaps about trying too hard rather than just being ourselves, eh?] I told the woman that my first impulse might be to behave recklessly and party like there was no tomorrow, but that idea did not sit well with me. I would realize quickly that people around me would be panicked and sad, and that although scared, the world around us is still beautiful. So I would try to calm them down, tell them it would be ok, but to quickly move on to find the people that I loved the most and try to spend some last good moments with them. there would not be much time for fancy adventures, but plenty of time to just sit and talk and "be" with those we care the most about. She seemed surprised at my answer, and commented that she had been asking that same question all day, and that each student had talked about selfish things like driving fast on highways, or breaking things for the fun of it. She smiled and told me she thought my answer was thoughtful and nice. I told her my answer was selfish too, to be with people I cared about comforting them and being comforted by them would be the best way to cope with such a short end. To lose the world and life would be tragic and devastating, but with the right mindset, knowing the end was near might make those last moments so, so, sweet, as long as it was with the right people.


"Besides, It's time to buy a new hat to switch to a new self.":
Realizing that the fast life of Tokyo did not fill the hole in his lifeless gut, Watanabe tries to come to grips with his emptiness by attaching himself to youth. He platonically courts a young woman who seems to be filled with an exuberant joy of living. His lesson from her as he grasps and clings to her energy in the end is that he needs to find his own purpose, his own living.

And so I left my disenfranchised punk self behind in my high school days of Baltimore and embarked on the best four years of my life, adventures that led from that hilltop at Kenyon College in central Ohio: thriving in an academic playground, finding new fields of study, understanding the guidance of a mentor, finding love, working with the homeless, tempering my sobriety, finding my soul in Asia, and learning to express myself effectively. What a "new hat" I tried on in college. I worked for myself, and success snuck up on me when I wasn't paying attention to results, but rather, was just interesting in living. [Hmmmm, another lesson, perhaps?]

[meanwhile...]

"The point is, the world is a dark place if his dedication was pointless."
"It is a dark place."
"But anyone of us could suddenly drop dead."
"We have to act like we're doing something but do nothing.":


Watanabe's colleagues grapple with his death and see in themselves the lack of purpose that he had also lacked for much of his professional life. They lament the darkness of the world, and drink, and bolstered their sadness and grief. They feel shame for their embrace of "nothingness," contrasted by  Wannabe's last months where he lived for a purpose. In the end the men around him ARE changed and vow to sacrifice for the greater good of society.

If we see great people do great great things, and talk about how great they are, without changing ourselves, we are just drunks crying in our glasses. It is not enough to just try. We must do! Yoda's great admonition to Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back is "Do. Or do not. There is no try." I love the idea that we try new things, and we show up and "give it our best." This is doing. It is in fighting our inertia that trying is not enough; paraphrased: Shit, or get off the pot!

Turning to the light:

And so Watanabe did something meaningful for himself that improved the life of others around him, and affected still others who reflected on his efforts. He did not do it for recognition. While he worked, tirelessly in his illness that no-one knew about, he turned toward the light. He faced the shining sun and found life! He saw the world around him and became something more than he had ever been before. At one point when he is rebuked in his efforts, a subordinate pushes Watanabe to be angry. His response: "I can't afford to hate people. I haven't got that kind of time." As he moves quickly through his day he stops to look at the sky, the light pushing through the clouds, and remarks "How truly beautiful."

We all stumble. We all have those moments where darkness closes around us and we live in shadow. We have moments and perhaps years where we protect our place in the world by doing nothing. We all have moments where hate might seem like it could feel good. But the light is always there, the capacity to try on a new hat for our new selves is always there; and we do not need to be confronted with our impending death to see it; perhaps just a story of another who is, can compel us to live.

"Life is brief.":
Perhaps the most beautiful scene in the film comes near the end when we find Watanabe on a swing in a park—that for a select few, matters dearly—singing a song that he had sung while drunk in Tokyo's night clubs. It was a popular song in Japan in the nineteen-teens. It starts "Life is brief..."

The name of the film is Ikiru (To live) by Akira Kurosawa. It is a story about living in the face of death. The bookend usage of a song that is is about the brevity of life and which encourages us to love is  fittingly beautiful and poignant...

Gondola no Uta 
life is brief.
fall in love, maidens
before the crimson bloom
fades from your lips
before the tides of passion
cool within you,
for those of you
who know no tomorrow
life is brief
fall in love, maidens
before his hands
take up his boat
before the flush of his cheeks fades
for those of you
who will never return here
life is brief
fall in love, maidens
before the boat drifts away
on the waves
before the hand resting on your shoulder
becomes frail
for those who will never
be seen here again
life is brief
fall in love, maidens
before the raven tresses
begin to fade
before the flame in your hearts
flicker and die
for those to whom today
will never return 


Sunday, September 11, 2016

A ramble about memory (memorial and celebration)...

[The soundtrack for today's blog is a montage of news items edited over REM's Everybody Hurts. It is an emotional rollercoaster and in no way is required to appreciate the entry below. The lyrics that are important for my entry are in the text of the blog. Nonetheless, I listen to this song every year on September 11th and thought I would share.] 

When your day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes... 
It seems appropriate to have my first blog back from hiatus to be one of historical relevance and particular import to me. Fifteen years ago some terrible things happened on 9/11, and those of us that were there—present in the moment—know how time can stretch out into a terrible breath holding exercise of amazement, terror, and anticipation. Sorrow flooded in as the disbelief dissipated, and anger with despair pressed the sorrow down to places where it might fester, only later being flushed out slowly and patiently in a world-wide session of collective grief. Terrible things happen all the time in history, but that they would happen in the US to so many of the privileged made the whole world pay especial attention, including me...

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on...
It hurts me still, the feelings that arise when I think of that day fifteen years ago. I remember identifying with the 343 firefighters especially, even though I had yet to turn in my application for the local fire department; that identification is what finally pushed me to join the local hose company.  I have strong memories from that day that I can play back in my mind with cinematic clarity. I can feel what I felt and see faces of confused and distraught children quietly wandering the halls of my school that was no longer following the bell schedule. It was a quiet chaos that burned like hot iron, but there was no noise; the quiet was disquieting. When exploring those cinematic moments hurt me too much [forgetting that I can choose to not watch my own mind's screen] I choose to retreat to a moment at the end of the day when I was emotionally drained having been a teacher for the entire day a with wide-eyed and shocked students around me for the entire news cycle from first impact to 4pm: I have picked up my five months old son from day care and have NPR on the radio. I am thinking I want to cry for the loss of innocence I am projecting on him, and for the realization that the news he does not know will change his world. I worry that he might be taking in the raw emotions of the newscasters as they lose their ability to be objective in reporting the events of the day, and I choose to for the first time that day to turn off the radio. It's time to shut off the feed. It's the good parent thing to not allow this hurt to pour around the air space of my firstborn, my millennial born, my beloved progeny. I pull into the Duncan Donuts that has since become The Donut Man and ritually buy my son and me our Tuesday blueberry cake donut to share for the 1/2 hour ride home. And as I glance back in the rear view mirror and hand him his first piece, he smiles and laughs and my world is whole again for that moment...

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
And here I am on another anniversary of 9/11 reliving some of those feelings again, allowing the hurt in, as a strange form of respect for those impacted more than me, a tribute(?) for those who have suffered more than I do. I allow the feelings in to witness the hurt, and perhaps to defy the hurt by feeling sad and then rising out of that sadness with a glow in my heart and compassion for those around me who persist; living today seems to spit in the eye of the feelings that were sought by angry men who wished to injure us fifteen years ago. Living today feels like laughter and smile from a baby, innocent and full, and wonderful!...

ABRUPT SHIFT IN BLOG FOCUS (but still following a thread of though about Septembers and memories... 
...Nine years before the attacks on Washington and New York I traveled to a Buddhist monastery in India to study near and under the grandchild-tree that the Buddha sat under so many seasons before. I allowed my eyes to open while studying in Asia. I woke up... It was the pinnacle four months of the most transformative four years of my life, and I am grateful for the person I have become as a result of my experience there. This is not the Sunday to process the lessons I received while on that trip, but suffice to say, I was not only transformed, but continue to receive the fruits of the seeds that were planted back then so long ago...

Living in the past vs. remembering...
I bring up my trip to India today, as it is in my mind a lot lately and has me thinking about the differences of living in the past vs. remembering the past. The former is stale and speaks of a soul no longer growing; the latter is fruitful and reflective, allowing for comparison and subsequently for me, gratitude. I recently joined a public group on FaceBook that is comprised of people who have visited that place in India and learned from the same teachers, and perhaps who have experienced the same sorts of transformation I did. It is a group that helps connect people who share a location connection from the past only, but so many who go there seem to open in similar ways, share similar growth, at a similar time in their searching lives. If the impulse to join such a group is only to relive the past, then the present is ruined. But if the desire to revisit the past in order to find a better present, then the future opens in a way that was not possible moments before. What glorious potential!...

Finding Things (like new friends who feel like long lost ones...):
So to be silly I asked Google how to find something lost. WikiHow toped my search results and listed the following steps: Method: Calming down. 1: Breathe in and out. 2: Empty your brain. 3: Remember that is is not the end of the world. 4: Put it in context. 5: Be confident.  How interesting...  How almost Buddhist, how apropos! ... So, to get back to FaceBook: I found a new friend from my Buddhist Studies past. I have been breathing lately and emptying my brain; I have been reversing any catastrophizing (sp?!) in my life and placing my experiences in context. I am working on my confidence... and then like magic, I stumbled on a new friend with old ties in the most implausible of circumstances... like "it" (this discovery) was meant "to be" even though I do NOT believe in fate! Coincidences happen all the time as long as we are open to observing them as they happen...

Realization and reflection:
So I wrote the following on the group page on FaceBook: "What is it about finding someone randomly in the world who just happens to have been on this program that feels exactly like finding a long lost friend? " You see, the threads of those memories back in 1992 continue to criss-cross in my life and it is rich and wonderful. I continue to find new friends as a result of my time in India, each time provoking me to revisit those cinematic memories that do not cause me to retreat, but rather, help me emerge. Our pasts explain our paths, reveal our progress, and provide a context for who we are. Buddhism does not deny the past and the future while it encourages us to embrace the moment; it merely places the past and future in a context that allows the moment to be the place where we live. And on this 9/11, as I reflect on my past, both fifteen years ago and twenty-four years ago, I have have my body turned toward the future, and I am living right now... glory be!





Sunday, June 19, 2016

"I want to take a ride..."

"Pick me up. Let's take a ride. Let me see the city from the passenger side tonight.": This is how my last blog entry for the summer begins, not with wisdom, but with a request; a request to be picked up, to take a ride, to let me see the world from somewhere other than the driver's seat. It is perhaps about turning my will over to "the flow" more, trying less to control what is not in my reach, and finding the beautiful zen in throwing my hands up over my head and shouting "yeeeee haaaaa" at the top of my lungs...  I think today's entry is to be about trying new things and stepping outside of my comfort zone. I found a quote online that I think applies, "I have realized; it is during the times I am far outside my element that I experience myself the most."...

Baked Goods, Pt. 1: Muffins...: What a thing a year can be. A year ago today (Father's Day) my daughter was trying to make me muffins as a surprise. I could hear her from upstairs that she was struggling, and there were tears as mistakes were made down in the kitchen...  I quietly waited for my gift to arrive, hoping my daughter wouldn't throw in the towel, wouldn't give up... she didn't and they were good, both batches, each different, both good.

So last year for my last post I wrote about muffins, reflected on wisdom from Batman Begins and The Legend of Korra, and I made note that I was uploading post #43, when I was 43 years old. It was a post about falling down, getting back up and moving through the struggles that we inevitably move through...
Alfred Pennyworth: Took quite a fall, didn't we, Master Bruce?
Thomas Wayne: And why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.
In Season 4 of The Legend of Korra, the Avatar is suffering from the anime equivalent of PTSD. She asks the healer of her village "And ... what am I going to find if ... I get through this?" Katara, the healer, answers "I don't know. But won't it be interesting to find out?"... 
Well, 43 was a rough year for me in some ways, and the advice I hoped for my daughter should have been directed at me had I been able to see the road ahead. I fell down, I stood back up. I wondered what I was going to find "if I get through this;" I worried and stressed and raged and melted; and I grew fatigued. And as spring arrived and warmed into summer, I feel new life, I am ready to find out what there is to find...

Baked Goods, Pt. 2: Cookies...: The metaphor I need to use here lies again in baked goods, not in muffins this time, but in cookies. [Muffins are baked with love. Cookies are the reward from love.] In The Matrix, Neo goes to visit the Oracle. He is convinced he is master of his own fate and is extremely distrustful of what he will hear from an oracle. And yet he goes anyway. [Such doubt from one so sure.] Although I am not one for fate, I do revel in the symbolism of the world around me. Fate is predetermination, symbolism is what value we ascribe to the patterns we find in the chaos. I also spend a lot of time trying to stay in control of my own life. That control has caused me so many successful moments and so many failures. And it takes energy, too. It's the "trying to figure it all out" that is so draining; rehearsing the script, watching out for pitfalls, trying to make sure everyone is OK, including me, but especially the others around me. So Neo is told his good friend will sacrifice himself for Neo's life and that Neo has a choice to make:
The Oracle: Oh, don't worry about it. As soon as you step outside that door, you'll start feeling better. You'll remember you don't believe in any of this fate crap. You're in control of your own life, remember? Here, take a cookie. I promise, by the time you're done eating it, you'll feel right as rain.
The cookie is, like all other things in The Matrix, symbolic. Neo takes the cookie, but is already pondering the script. Was his choice to take the cookie ordained or free will? He missed the point entirely! It was offered out of love. It is just what it is. Much later Neo visits the Oracle again when he realizes the danger of a potentially all-knowing force in his life.
Neo: I suppose the most obvious question is, how can I trust you?
The Oracle: Bingo! It is a pickle, no doubt about it. The bad news is there’s no way if you can really know whether I’m here to help you or not. So it’s really up to you. You just have to make up your own damn mind to either accept what I’m going to tell you, or reject it. Candy?
Neo: D’you already know if I’m going to take it?
The Oracle: Wouldn’t be much of an Oracle if I didn’t.
Neo: But if you already know, how can I make a choice?
The Oracle: Because you didn’t come here to make the choice, you’ve already made it. You’re here to try to understand why you made it. I thought you’d have figured that out by now.
Neo: Why are you here?
The Oracle: Same reason. I love candy.
Neo: But why help us?
The Oracle: We’re all here to do what we’re all here to do. I’m interested in one thing, Neo, the future. And believe me, I know – the only way to get there is together.
"I want to take a ride.": I've been driving for a long time now, and may have lost my way a bit. "Fate" might just have to take the wheel while I'm seeing double; I'll still pay the tickets when we speed. I think I have often gotten stuck in the conundrum that Neo finds himself, trying to figure it all out and forgetting to just eat the cookie. So when "Fate" comes knocking, I think I'll throw my hands up over my head, yell "yeeeee haaaaa," grab that cookie if it's offered, and just try to enjoy the ride...

Sunday, June 12, 2016

A Buddhist Still Life... smiling

The "simple" things in life... 

A daughter performing on stage with seemingly no fear, and pulling it off with confidence and style...

A son digging deep in preparing for final exams to prove to himself and the rest of us watching that he can...

A brother and his family who does a less-than-24-hour turn-around visit from out of state just because they care...

Parents who are daily reminders of unconditional love and support, and what that looks like...

Friends—so many friends—who have been propping up, building up, an aging-man-turning-little-boy while he reinvents for himself the basics of living...

A walk down the street and seeing a rain glazed purple puff-ball of flower radiating in the setting sun...

Sipping a bitter macchiato at a museum after checking out some impressionists and others works of astounding beauty...

Listening to Love and Rockets and thinking "the simple things are so complicated"... 

The "good" Buddhist might say all this "just is" without value or reflection. This Buddhist says today, "It is good."... 

I guess I am a sucky Buddhist today, but I am smiling...




You cannot go against nature
Because when you do
Go against nature
It's part of nature too

Our little lives get complicated
It's a simple thing
Simple as a flower
And that's a complicated thing

No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell

My world is your world
People like to hear their names
I'm no exception
Please call my name
Call my name

No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell

No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell

When you're down
It's a long way up
When you're up
It's a long way down

It's all the same thing, no new tale to tell
It's all the same thing, no new tale to tell
It's all the same thing, no new tale to tell

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Yes, new buddies allowed...

Bizarre prologue, a nod to a story not told: I had originally hoped to write a creative piece this week about the storm-grate outside my classroom in the courtyard between my room and that of a crazy and delightful retiring english teacher. I had hoped to write a silly, witty, and imaginative piece that would pay tribute to my friend and colleague of creative writing. It was to be clever; it was to answer the question "where do all our students go?" It was to be light and fun (and maybe a little playfully dark), and avoid the reality that our students just get up and move away because it is time for them to go... ...And I cannot find the space in my head today to spin a fictional yarn. Perhaps some other day... You see, I am distracted this morning by emotions that stretch back almost twenty years, and yet cycle annually for me. Each year stronger. Each year more complex. Each year dragging forward the feelings and stories from year's past in an ever-growing feedback-loop of reminiscence...

I know where the students actually go. It is not a mystery like in Blue Beard's tale, squirreled away in a creative writing macabre ending; they just walk away because it is time for them to do so...

Sweet Melancholy: You see, it's that time of year again. Graduation. Pride, loss, hope & laughter, tears, hugs, awkward silences... happy melancholy; they all flood me each year starting around 5pm graduation night and pushing me to linger as the last families drive away from the high school around 7pm...

I teach for a living. I am blessed with roughly 100 kids a year to try to teach and learn from. I receive the sacred trust that is forced by a compulsory public educational system with great humility and seriousness. I work hard and invest myself in my student's lives well beyond the social studies curriculum I try to effectively teach. I get to feel a sense of satisfaction when my students succeed, and suffer great remorse, sadness, and perhaps a modicum of guilt & regret when their lives become unmanageable...

1st person singular and plural: Perhaps you noticed that the paragraph above contains half-a-dozen "I" statements, hardly the model of selflessness that is expected from an educator, mentor, advisor that seems to be affected deeply be seeing yet another group of beautiful souls stepping out into a wider world. You see, it is not selfless work we do. It is deeply selfish. We believe in what we do and who we work with. We strive to do what we think is best for them, trying to anchor our decisions in best practice, data analysis, collegial conversations and comparison. We try to be purposeful in our actions, hoping to have meaningful and positive impact on our charges of future promise. And yet we sometimes fly by the seat of our pants; we make it up on the spot; we experiment with tactics and strategies, hoping to do no harm and helping our children, our young adults, our growing-ups to find their way to something positive, meaningful, and forward progressing...

Possessiveness that I find wonderful: The last paragraph had 10 instances of "we," that collective 1st person use that speaks to our efforts beyond individual ego. That idea of community, of collective responsibility, of shared values and expectations.  It also used 7 occurrences of "our." It is a possessiveness that points to the relationship that happens in classrooms and schools where the lives of students matter... not in the abstract, but in the personal, real, and persistent relationships that we try to form there.

And yet, today's post is not about "we," or "our;" It is about "me" and "my" today. It is about a sense of wonderful loss that is delightful and powerfully sad all in one go. It is the realization that I was taught this lesson long ago, I just didn't know it then. But I understand now. I've been understanding more and more each year...

A short anecdote that has helped me learn some perspective: Years ago I went to grad school, and I worked in an academic library, and I formed friendships there. I was employed for four years in a reasonably small back room where books are received, processed, catalogued, and placed into circulation for the rest of the world to use or ignore as they please. When it was time for me to move on from the city to start a new teaching-life in the beautiful rural foothills of the Appalachians (only 3-ish hours from my library friends) my closest friend—an older brother figure with more experience and wisdom in the world, often positive, amazingly insightful, and just plain fun to be around—withdrew a bit and offered a "no offense" statement to me that surprised me at the time. It's a paraphrase that is only accurate in the general intent (It was almost 20 years ago now): "No offense, but every time I invest friendship in our student employees, they just end up leaving, and I am tired of it. I shouldn't make any more 'new-buddies' if they just end up leaving over and over again." It's a paraphrase, like I said. It is most likely not what was said, it is what I heard though. I was mildly hurt that day, feeling a little rebuked, but more-so just confused. I planned to "come home" often. I was only moving a few hours away. It wasn't good bye; it was just minor distance. But my friend was right... For a year or so I "went home" often for live music and short visits, often doing the return drive through the night to arrive back at my new home as the sun came up. And then I had children. Sleep trumped the six hour driving investment to see a few hours of friends and music. My trips to the city night life and my friend's world of live music and no-matter-what softball early Saturday mornings did not mesh well with a new family settling down 3 hours away. I have returned only twice since then. How lame... and clearly proof that my friend was right... I had left him...

But I have paid attention to him, and he to me; the relationship changed, but sustained because it was right to be so. The lesson I have learned: It hurts to watch my students leave. Although I feel great pride, and hope, and happiness, I am also aware that I am being left behind, no longer meaningful and critical for most of them; as they are to me, all 1600+ of them...

And yet some of them return and visit, and reach out digitally at the most unexpected times; some of my old charges become "buddies" of sorts and I feel renewed each time they touch base with their aging teacher of old. I fear that I should not make "new buddies" as each new class arrives, and yet always seem to let another batch of 100 in, just as I am sure (in fact, I know) that my mentor/buddy/friend from my library days continues to allow "new buddies" into his life as well, and also keeps up with a few of the old ones who move on...